The Break
by Caroline
Summary: [RyanKirsten] Kirsten needs a break.
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: The Break  
CHAPTER 1  
SPOILERS: Through 'The College Try'

* * *

"Hey Kirsten?" Ryan called, slamming the front door to the Cohen household and jogging inside. He instinctively headed for the kitchen, expecting to find her either sipping an iced tea or going over candidates for her dating service business.

When he reached the kitchen, however, he skidded to a halt at the face of Sandy Cohen. The man did not look happy. "She's gone, kid," he replied softly.

Ryan furrowed his brow. "What do you mean, 'gone'?"

"She left me."

Those three words stopped him cold. Kirsten had left Sandy? Their marriage had always seemed bulletproof. "What?"

"She packed her bags and left. I'm not sure where she is." He sighed and ran his fingers through his slowly-graying jet black hair. "I think, uh... I think it's really over this time."

Ryan noted both the expression on Sandy's face and his body language -- he didn't know where his wife was, and it appeared he wasn't about to go looking. "Are you okay?" Ryan asked, on autopilot.

Sandy chuckled mirthlessly. "No. I'm not. But I should've seen this coming. She just doesn't understand. Maybe we've been wrong for each other all along, who knows?"

Ryan had no idea what to say, so he merely patted Sandy's shoulder and excused himself from the kitchen, going to the poolhouse. He sighed and stuffed his hands through his hair while he paced back and forth near the foot of his bed. He was completely single for once, and Kirsten had left Sandy. Why did that give him the odd sensation of butterflies in his stomach?

The answer came just as quickly as the question had -- because he had feelings for Kirsten. He always had. For two years, he'd sat idly by and silently worshipped the ground she walked on. For two years she had been the most important woman in his life... the unattainable angel he was devoted to. For two years, she had been his guardian, but now that he was eighteen that title no longer stuck. She was married -- but even that restriction was now on its last thread.

It was childish and foolish, but he had often wished for all the obstacles between he and Kirsten to disappear. At the same time, though, he didn't want to be with her at the expense of her marriage and his relationship with the Cohen clan. He had to find her. He had to know what she was thinking, what she was planning... and whether or not the stars could actually be aligning.

* * *

He'd taken his bike, preferring that to using up gasoline in the Range Rover trying to find her. His mind raced as he pedaled through the streets of Newport, each thought pertaining to Kirsten. Was she okay? Was she drinking?

He found her at the Mermaid Hotel in the seedier part of town. He spied her out on the balcony -- he'd know that long, blonde hair and svelte figure anywhere -- and pedaled under the balcony without being seen. He hopped off his bike and chained it to a post, then carefully made his way to the steps, trying not to make a sound. When he reached the top, however, the floor board beneath his left foot gave a very audible 'creak', and startled Kirsten.

Her blonde hair flicked across her shoulders, a silver halo surrounding her thanks to the moonlight. For a moment, Ryan was captivated, and he stared. She stared right back, unblinking, daring him to come forward.

He did, slowly, and reached out to place a supportive hand against her back when he had stepped up to her. He met her eyes in preparation to give words of solace, but found upon meeting those striking eyes of hers, that no words were needed; they often weren't, between them.

Kirsten turned in to him and stepped into his embrace, wrapping her arms tight around his neck as she sighed out heavily. Ryan echoed the sigh and tightened one arm around her waist, rubbing her back gently with the other as he held her.

"I can't do it anymore," she finally whispered, shifting and twining her arms around his waist now. "I can't keep pretending that I'm okay with everything, I can't keep playing the role of the supportive wife, I just can't do it. It's costing me. I need a break."

"I understand," he whispered back, hugging her tighter, and he meant it. He did understand, too well sometimes, what she was going through. He, too, had been reaching that point himself. Constantly looking out for everyone else, and trying to rescue every troubled female that came into his line of vision, was exhausting. "Believe me, I understand."

"I know you do." She slid her hands up his back and then down again, snuggling further into the warmth and comfort he offered so freely. After a moment of silence had passed, she had to ask. "He didn't send you, did he? To come find me?"

Ryan shook his head against her and dared to run a hand through her hair. "No. I wanted to find you."

"Why?" She pulled back slowly, remaining in his arms as she searched his eyes.

He shrugged and stared right back, too afraid to break gaze. "Just to find you."

Kirsten smiled at this. "You shouldn't have to rescue me. You rescue everyone."

"Yeah," he nodded, "And while that can get tiring... for some reason, I don't mind looking after you." He paused. "And you should have someone looking after you. Someone you can rely on, to lean on whenever you get too fed up with being supportive... with being the one everyone _else_ leans on."

He had just barely finished his speech and she was in his arms again, cuddled against him securely. And oddly enough to Ryan, it didn't feel awkward... or wrong in any way. He threw a glance toward the stars and wondered.

After a moment, he spoke again. "Maybe I need a break, too."

"Would it be weird to... take a break together?"

"What do you mean?" His heart slammed in his chest as he ran through the possibilities.

Kirsten pulled back from him, only slightly, to meet his eyes. "Come with me."

"Where?"

"Anywhere. Anywhere that we can get away from the complications of everyday life."

He smiled. He would love nothing more, but... "What about school?"

Kirsten's face fell, and Ryan had all he could do not to kiss that expression away. "Right. School. I keep forgetting, you're eighteen but still in school."

"Why don't you stay here for a bit," he suggested. "I can still go to school, and then I'll come back here every afternoon and spend time with you."

A smile slowly took over her angelic face again. "I'd like that. But... what about the rest of the time? I mean, I can't stay here for a month until you graduate, Ryan."

"Are you really serious about taking a break? And about wanting me to come with you?"

She nodded immediately. "Yes. I think it would be good for me. It would be good for you, too. I think being away from Marissa and all of her complications could do wonders for getting rid of your own."

"What about Sandy?"

She shook her head and snuggled against him once more. "I... can't talk to Sandy right now. He's not the man that I married, he's not the man that I fell in love with, he..." She sighed. "He's a stranger to me right now."

"Okay."

"We'll look after each other. And hey..." She pulled away with a grin. "Maybe, eventually, you can teach me how to cook."

Ryan laughed. "I'll do my best."

* * *

TBC 


	2. Chapter 2

TITLE: The Break  
CHAPTER 2

* * *

A week had passed and Kirsten was still staying at the hotel. Sandy had enquired a few times on her whereabouts but Ryan, per Kirsten's request, claimed he had been unable to find her and didn't know where she was. For a week Seth and Sandy both did their best to get on without her, but Ryan could tell they were both struggling. He felt awful not being able to let Seth know where his mother was, or to let Sandy know where his estranged wife was, but under no circumstances would he break Kirsten's trust.

She wanted her break from complication and she was entitled to it. And he reassured himself that if Sandy and Seth were completely desperate to see her, they would look for her. Sandy was still struggling with his dealings at the Newport Group in getting a new hospital built, and Seth was grappling with yet another breakup with Summer.

"You're back," Kirsten exhaled a brilliant smile upon opening her hotel door for him.

Ryan couldn't resist smiling back. "Yeah. How was your afternoon?"

He was pleasantly surprised when Kirsten leaned in to kiss his cheek before grasping his wrist and tugging him inside. "I'll be honest, Ryan -- I'm starting to go a little stir-crazy."

"Okay, then... what do you want to do? Do you need a change of scenery?"

She nodded emphatically, clasping her hands in front of her in the way that was so uniquely 'Kirsten.' "I think so. I think that's just what I need. Trouble is, where can we go that won't take you away from school, and won't start up the rumor mill?" She shrugged, her eyes gazing out the window. "I mean, several times today I've considered looking for an apartment somewhere... probably in the numbered streets temporarily, but I don't want anyone to know about this."

Her mention of apartment-hunting caught Ryan's attention, and he had to ask. "This 'break'... exactly how long of a 'break' are you planning?"

Kirsten met his eyes, searched them, before she sighed. "Ryan... I don't want to think about that right now, I really don't."

He shrugged. "Seems to me you've already been thinking about it, if you've considered renting an apartment." He ducked his head to recapture her gaze. "Are you thinking of leaving Sandy... permanently?" When she began to turn away, he boldly reached for her and grabbed her gently by the arms, turning her to face him again. "Kirsten."

"Yes, I am," she finally replied, lifting her eyes to his.

Ryan's brows flicked upward. "Wow."

Kirsten huffed and pulled away from him, going over to sit on the bed. "Ryan, I just... I don't know what else to do."

"I'm no expert, but aren't you supposed to try talking to him?"

"I've tried. And for every time I've tried to get him to come home so we can talk, he has blown me off."

"But--"

"And this isn't something I've just recently considered, Ryan."

He made his way over to the bed and sat beside her, angling his body just slightly toward hers. "It's not?"

Her eyes were focused on some point on the floor while she shook her head, bracing her hands on her knees. "No. For three years now it's been one rough patch after another. If it's not a some_body_ getting between us, it's a some_thing."_

Ryan wasn't completely sure how to respond to that, so instead he asked, "When did it start?"

Kirsten met his eyes and they locked in a stare for a moment, before she shrugged and ducked her head, shaking it side to side. "It's not important," she mumbled behind the curtain of blonde hair that had fallen forward.

Ryan wanted more than anything to reach out and tuck that thick hair behind her ear. He managed to hold back, repeating a line he'd uttered to her just a few weeks before, in the same gentle tone. "Then you won't mind telling me."

The repeated sentence drew her eyes back upward, and he watched her give in. "It started when he brought you home."

He nodded and began to turn away... then jumped, startled, when her hand found his cheek and turned his face back toward her.

She searched his eyes, her tone low and serious. "Please don't take that as a bad thing, Ryan. I am thankful every day that I have you in my life, because right now? You're the only one that's keeping me level-headed." She shrugged. "Seth doesn't often give me the time of day, and Sandy's involvement in my life has been nil. You're all I've got." She paused then, getting back on track. "But when he first brought you home, there was friction. I expressed my wishes and he ignored them. But then, you were here to stay, and things were good again."

Ryan nodded slowly, vaguely aware that her hand was still on his face but not wanting to do anything about it. "And then what?"

"And then... Jimmy's financial troubles and my past with him got between us. And after Jimmy -- well, around the same time as Jimmy actually -- came Rachel. And then, along with that, came all the stuff with my dad."

"After Rachel?" He centered on her eyes, sensing she was about to close herself off to him again, and tried to convey strength to her through his own eyes.

"After Rachel, we were still dealing with my dad's case, but it was okay for awhile. But then... when you had to leave for Chino..."

He shook his head. "I'm so sorry."

Sandy had once detailed what she had been like after he'd left with Theresa, and the description alone nearly shattered Ryan.

"It's not your fault, Ryan. You were doing the right thing at the time. I just... I wasn't prepared for how it was going to effect me."

Before he could gather the strength to ask if she'd elaborate on that, she had already moved past it. "And then we found out that Seth was gone, and Sandy just let him go. I expressed to him over and over again that he should try to bring him back, but he ignored me. We barely spoke that whole summer."

Kirsten continued to describe, in vague detail, the rest of her laundry list of problems with Sandy -- more troubles with Seth, and then Sandy's former flame Rebecca, then Carter Buckley, and her father's death, trying to make it through rehab, Sandy's control of the Newport Group and the new hospital deal. Ryan understood now more than ever what had spawned her slow, downward spiral into alcoholism.

By the time she'd reached the end of her story, tears were slipping silently down her cheeks. Ryan put his arm around her and leaned his head on hers. "I'm so sorry for everything you had to go through, Kirsten."

Kirsten leaned on him, drew strength in his embrace, and dropped her voice. "There's, um... there's something else. Something only one other person knows."

Ryan pulled away slowly and met her eyes, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. "What?"

"A little over a week ago, Sandy and I went to this dinner with Neil, Julie, and some of Neil's colleagues. Sandy and I sort of got into a very public spat, and I walked out."

"Okay..."

"On my way out, I grabbed a glass of wine, and... I was so upset and stressed that--"

"You drank," he finished.

Kirsten's rambling began to slowly pick up speed. "And I know what you're thinking, that I'm back drinking again, but I'm really not Ryan, I promise you that. I just, it was the stress and the anxiety, and I almost did the same thing while you were in Albequerque but that time I poured the entire bottle down the sink and went to an AA meeting the next day to regain focus. And then, after what happened at the party, I went to AA meetings every single day until I felt like I had it back under control because I really don't want that to become a problem again, I mean I just hated what it did to you and--"

"Hey." He tipped her chin up with two fingers and forced her to meet his eyes.

She did; she searched them and huffed out a sigh, her breath bouncing off his lips and back onto her own at the proximity. She stared into his eyes until she was calm again, then she broke gaze and sighed once more. "Sorry." She covered her eyes with one hand in embarrassment and leaned against him.

"Nothing to apologize for," he replied simply, leaning his head on hers once again and fighting the urge to kiss her hair. "I should've been there for you... both times."

"This will sound callous and I don't mean it to be, but... that's not your job, Ryan."

"Yeah, well, it is now." He gave a half-smile as he pulled away, lifting his arm off her shoulders and bringing it back to his side. "No more drinking."

She attempted a smile of her own. "No more blaming yourself for my problems."

Ryan drew in a deep breath and turned slightly on the bed, bending one leg up beside him so he could face Kirsten fully. She mirrored this movement, and Ryan dared to lightly touch her knee. "I need you to promise you won't drink again, Kirsten." He held her blue eyes with his own. "Do you promise?"

Kirsten nodded, her voice grave. "I do. And I need _you_ to stop blaming yourself for what happens to me, Ryan. Do you promise?"

His voice was just as grave. "I do."

She smiled, "Good," and reached out for a hug.

Ryan pulled her against him and held her tight, always able to find brief happiness in that simple embrace they frequently shared. And Ryan was realizing, as he held Kirsten in his arms yet again, that an undeniable addiction was forming. But this was something he didn't mind being addicted to. If it kept him away from cigarettes or kept her away from alcohol...

"I wish you could stay, Ryan, but it's starting to get late. I'm sure Sandy and Seth will be expecting you for dinner."

"Yeah." He reluctantly let go of her and ducked his head, not wanting her to see the disappointment on his face. He squeezed her hand and rose to his feet, heading for the door. Upon opening it, he spun around in the doorway. "But won't you be eating dinner alone?"

Kirsten gave a lovely smile as she blinked slowly. "I'll be fine," she assured him. "But, could you do me a favor?"

He replied without hesitation, "Anything."

Another smile flitted across her lips at the quick response, then... "Would you see if you can grab some more of my stuff from the house?" She winced. "I hate to even ask that of you, but I--"

"It's fine. I'll bring it for you tomorrow. Anything specific?"

She chuckled. "More clothes and shoes, I guess. That's about it."

He nodded. "You got it." He raised his eyebrows and drew in a breath as that familiar, tension-filled moment settled in. Those, too, were growing in frequency. "So, I'll see you tomorrow?"

Kirsten smiled, and stretched up to kiss his cheek again. "Tomorrow."

* * *

TBC 


	3. Chapter 3

TITLE: The Break  
CHAPTER 3

* * *

Ryan finished placing Kirsten's carefully-folded clothes into his duffel bag, zipping it up quickly and tossing it into the bathroom as he spotted Seth in his peripheral vision entering the poolhouse. "Hey," he called.

Seth nodded his greeting and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Hey. What's goin' on?"

"Nothin'. What's up?"

"Nothing, nothing... just wondering if we could put some Seth-Ryan time on the books for today. I don't see a lot of you anymore."

Ryan arched an eyebrow. "You see me everyday at school."

"Yeah, but then after school you're always running off to do one thing or another..." Seth narrowed his eyes and raised a finger to his lips, faux-pensively. "Almost... as if you have a secret life."

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that's me... living a double life."

Seth smiled and gestured to his friend. "Hey, Ryan Atwood cracks a joke. And a sarcastic one, to boot. I've taught you well, Grasshopper."

"Yeah, thanks." He threw a furtive glance toward the bathroom, then startled slightly when his phone began to vibrate in his pocket. He flipped it open, already knowing who it was. "Hey, can I call you back? ...Yeah, not really a good time. Okay, talk to you then." He hung up and stuffed the object back in his pocket, avoiding meeting Seth's eyes.

"Who was that?"

"Nobody. Look man, I think I gotta head out for awhile. But I'll see you later?"

Seth furrowed his eyebrows. "Yeah... okay..." He started to turn, then paused and gave Ryan a sideways glance. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah, everything's fine."

"Okay." Another turn toward the door ensued, as did another pause. "Hey, have you heard from my mom at all?"

Ryan stopped in the doorway to the bathroom. Was now the time to tell Seth? If he let the secrecy go on much longer, Sandy or Seth were liable to send out a search party; part of him was actually shocked they hadn't done so already. "Uh... briefly."

"Really? Where is she?"

Ryan drew in a breath and sat down on his mattress, draping his arms over his bent legs as he pondered just how much he could divulge without completely breaking Kirsten's trust. "Uh, she didn't say."

"Well how is she?"

"She's doing fine. She just, uh... she said she needed a break to figure some stuff out."

Seth frowned. "Well what kinda stuff? My dad's not telling me anything."

Ryan nodded -- that much was to be expected. "She just has been having a hard time lately and needs some time away. She's fine, though."

"Oh." A deep crease appeared between Seth's eyebrows then. "Well, uh... as long as she's okay. Why did she say something to you and not me?"

He shrugged. "Don't know, man."

Seth mirrored the shrug, a look of slight disappointment on his face. "Well... at least she confides in one of us, I guess." He waved and made for the door. "See ya."

"Yeah." Ryan watched his friend's path of retreat, voice dropping. "See ya."

* * *

"Ryan..." Again, she dragged him inside her hotel room by the wrist, not noticing the smile he gave in response. Once inside with the door shut, she peered out the window a moment, then turned to face him wearing an expression of apology. "I'm sorry about earlier. I know I normally don't call in the middle of the afternoon, but--"

"It's okay," he smiled. "I was talking to Seth."

"You didn't tell him where I was, did you?"

"No. But... I did tell him that I'd spoken to you, and I let him know that you were alright. Nothing more."

Kirsten exhaled her own smile. "Okay. Thank you. Because I'm just not ready to--"

"I know, I know." He held her gaze. "But Kirsten... you _need_ to talk to them eventually. Especially if you're still considering finding your own place."

"I actually already did."

He raised his eyebrows. "What?"

"It's this nice condo in the numbered streets. I could afford to go bigger, buy a house, and live closer to you guys, but if I were to do that..." She trailed off.

Ryan nodded, finishing the thought for her. "The rumors would start flying."

"Yeah. And I'm not willing to deal with that right now."

"Okay, but... if you're really moving out, then--"

"I have to talk to Sandy and Seth."

He nodded. "Yeah, and I'm thinkin' Sandy should be the first one you speak to."

"I know. I have to decide what I'm going to do, first."

"You mean, whether to take the house or not?" His eyes trailed her as she went to sit on the bed. He followed.

"Well that, and... what I'm going to do about Sandy."

Ryan drew in a breath and pressed his palms together in the space between his knees, leaning his elbows on his upper thighs. He glanced sidelong at Kirsten. "Do you think you'll ask for a divorce?"

And just as he had done yesterday, Kirsten repeated a line she'd uttered to him a week earlier, in the same tone of voice. "I don't know what I think."

He nodded slowly and averted his eyes to the worn-down carpeting.

Silence reigned for several moments, moments in which Ryan could feel Kirsten's eyes on him, before he heard her loud sigh. He turned to see her flop backwards on the bed, resting her hands over her stomach... so he followed suit and laid back beside her, both of them staring up at the ceiling.

Ryan sighed. "Well... whatever you wanna do, whatever you decide..." He swiveled his head to the right and smiled at her. "I'm here if you need me." He tore his eyes from hers and exhaled an almost shy, nervous chuckle. "And, even if you don't need me, I'm here."

Kirsten smiled and reached for his hand, giving it a squeeze. "I know you are. Thank you, Ryan."

"You're welcome."

They turned their eyes back to the ceiling then, and fell into companionable silence.

* * *

When Ryan opened his eyes, it was to see orange light playing across the ceiling. He furrowed his brows at it. Had he fallen asleep? He could have sworn he'd just meant to blink. He sighed and pressed his head back against the mattress, his mind still quite fuzzy.

The entire right side of his body was warm. And he had his arm around someone. He craned his neck to see long blonde hair sprayed across his shoulder, where Kirsten laid asleep. Her head was pillowed on his chest and her left arm was stuffed beneath her -- the other draped across his stomach. Her left leg was stretched out, pressed completely against his right leg, and her other leg was tangled between both of his.

Ryan knew he should be alarmed at how comfortable they'd gotten... but he wasn't. He knew he should feel guilty for having his left hand resting on Kirsten's arm and the other wrapped around her waist... but he didn't. He pressed his head against the mattress again and knew he should wake her up, move her... but he didn't want to.

He checked his watch and noted it was already well past when he should have been home for dinner. Seth and Sandy were probably wondering where he was. Well, Seth would be, at least. Sandy had taken to staying at the office as long as possible. But Seth would definitely realize he was missing.

Sure enough, his cell phone began vibrating in his pocket. He pulled it out and glanced at the call screen, sighing. Seth. His thumb hovered over the 'talk' button, contemplating what he would give as an excuse for why he wasn't back yet. Finally, the call went to voicemail and Ryan closed his eyes, sticking his phone back in his pocket.

This was when Kirsten began to stir next to him. Ryan craned his neck, a selfish part of him wanting to watch her in this unguarded moment. A vertical crease appeared between her eyebrows, and she seemed to frown thoughtfully in her sleep. She stretched against him and made a slight groaning noise; then her hand, which had been across his stomach, snaked up his chest and to his shoulder. She clasped his shoulder and snuggled more firmly against him, sighing in her sleep and burying her face in his neck.

Ryan couldn't help the low rumble of laughter that escaped at watching her... and this woke Kirsten with a start.

He watched her eyes pop open and slowly focus; then, when they had, those eyes widened and she shot upwards to a sitting position. "Ryan! God, I'm sorry! I'm so, so--"

"Kirsten..."

"I didn't mean to fall asleep on you, I really didn't. I'm so sorry if that made you uncomfortable, it'll never happen again, I just--"

"Kirsten."

She stopped her rambling and met his eyes when he sat up beside her. He smiled reassuringly. "It's okay. I fell asleep too."

Kirsten sighed and covered her eyes in embarrassment. "Oh, God." She glanced around for a clock, then grabbed his wrist to check the time. "Oh, and you should've been home over two hours ago already. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, really. Don't worry about it."

Kirsten, still flustered, raked her hands continuously through her hair as she rose to her feet, sighing out, "You should probably go."

Ryan just watched her sadly from the bed. What would she say if he told her he didn't want to leave? What would she say if he asked her to come back over and lay with him a bit longer? "Kirsten..."

"Hmm?" She stopped her frenetic pacing and looked expectantly at him.

He opened his mouth to tell her... he so wanted to tell her... but at the last minute, he closed his mouth and rose to his feet, muttering toward the floor, "You're right."

He quickly put on his shoes and tied them, then headed for the door. Kirsten watched him the entire time. He turned in the doorway to face her. "I'll, uh... I'll call you later. Or tomorrow."

Kirsten nodded. "Sounds good."

"Okay..." No embrace this time, he noted sadly. No peck on the cheek goodbye. "So, I'm gonna go."

"Okay. Please be careful on the way home."

Ryan could tell, by the tone of her voice and the way she seemed to be dragging out her words, that she didn't exactly want him to leave either. Oh, hell, he decided, then swooped in and kissed her cheek, quite near to the corner of her lips. "Bye," he whispered, and smiled when he felt her eyelids flutter against his cheek.

"Bye."

"And Kirsten?" Now out on the balcony, he glanced out at the setting sun before turning back to her again.

"Yeah?" She lingered in the doorway with one hand on the doorframe and the other on the door, smiling at him.

He returned the smile, inwardly daring himself to take a chance. "You didn't make me uncomfortable. Quite the opposite, actually." Then, before he could see her reaction, he turned and headed down the stairs, where his bike was waiting for him.

He felt Kirsten's eyes, and her smile, trailing him until he pedaled around the corner and out of her sight.

* * *

TBC 


End file.
